recipe not included

This isn't an update about something fun I've done in the kitchen recently because I haven't been in there since the cake, and I'm just feeling wistful. Wistful and anxious. 

I subbed on Monday for a middle school orchestra/ elementary general music teacher. The middle school classes were as you would expect middle school classes to be, and the elementary classes just left me exhausted. Dave came home at 9:30 and I was completely passed out on the couch. Overall, the experiences I've had subbing have been okay, but I just have to say- I hate subbing. Even after teaching in my own classroom for four years, every day I go in to sub I'm filled with anxiety. And that's subbing in my subject area. I took a sub job for something seemingly innocuous like social studies a couple weeks ago, and had to cancel (it's all done through an online system so I can accept/reject/cancel jobs fairly easily) 20 minutes later after almost having a panic attack. Luckily this all happened the night before the sub job so they had plenty of time to find someone else to sub. I guess my reasons for typing all this is to just say again- I hate subbing. I'm only doing it because I didn't find a job for this school year. 

Now, I'm sure you've heard about the budget situation in Wisconsin. I went from watching for every update available and not sleeping well to a quiet desperation about the whole thing. A couple days ago the second shoe dropped on the whole issue, with the full budget proposal including huge cuts in education funding. And I was hoping that since the economy seemed to be doing better there would be more music jobs out there. It is still too early to tell what is going to be available for next year, but I'm terrified. That seems like such an extreme word, but there it is. Terrified is the right word to explain what I'm feeling about my job prospects. 

I look at all the cooking websites out there, and I realize that there are so many people who truly enjoy being in the kitchen. There are also a lot of people who are so much more creative in their kitchens than I am and that's okay. Most of the time, cooking is a therapeutic experience for me. There's really just something about taking all these different ingredients, prepping them, and then using tried and true methods to make a meal or a treat that is real and tangible and really has some worth in the eyes of those who partake of it. 

As I said before, I hate subbing. I honestly cannot see myself doing it again next year. Where does that leave me? I've decided that if I don't get a teaching job for next school year I am going to find a new career completely separate from teaching. Which is really sad to me, I love teaching. But there's a breaking point in everything, and I think not getting a job again is mine. Then I start to think about what the heck I could possibly do as a real job, not just something to take up time and give me minimal paychecks to sort of make ends meet. I think about what I love doing, and since music is out, and teaching is (theoretically) out, I find myself coming back again and again to cooking. I wish there was a way to make that be my work.

For now, I know it isn't a realistic possibility. A lot can change in 6 months. Hopefully in September I'll be writing in here about meal ideas that are quick and easy because I'll be too busy with my teaching job to spend the same amount of time in the kitchen as I do now. But for now, I'm just having that wistful feeling, wishing for the connection between pots and pans and paychecks.